Just saw your first post with all the loom links....
Not a bad idea, but your delivery is wrong in my opinion.
You start out with technical jargon, most folks in business are not seo experts, they could really care less abut the technical minutiae, but do care more about results.
Instead of criticizing their site, show them a site you pulled up to page one and explain you can do that for them as well, but do not criticize their site. You don't need to fall into techno speak, they want to hear that call volume will increase, that the contact forms will become effective revenue streams, etc, etc....